For once I am not here to let off steam from having to surround myself with idiots.
No I'm here to whine because while my dad was out of town, I got spoiled having a car, driving everywhere, not having to brace the heat while travelling.
Now that he's back I'm back to taking buses and trains and IT SUCKS. Sucks so bad I resort to taking cabs. And cabs are not cheap.
That aside I've been doing a ton of shopping and now I'm just waiting for my stuff to arrive. A lot of the things are ordered in advanced, like books, so I won't get it for months ( boo!) but I have one Julia Quinn book on the way and a new tote bag en route. I LOVE SHOPPING.
That's all for now I guess..
Toodoolooo
29 April, 2013
22 April, 2013
Bring Me Back To Life
Ah...It's alive!
I've decided to bring this stupid thing back to life after abandoning it for more than a couple of months. Mostly because the therapist in me realizes I have some unresolved anger issues and I really can't keep taking it out on twitter - cos ya know no one cares.
Plus it's like 2.30 in the morning and I'm supposed to be finishing up my essay but I am more inspired to write here.
Also, I know this a public post. So anyone can come across it but I've reached the point where I don't give a shit. If I can't be honest on the internet then where is there left to be honest?
It been a tough couple of months. This semester has been really hard on me. Despite the brave face I show or the "I've soooooo moved on" attitude I carry I think I can sum up the entire semester so far with two words - sad and angry.
I swear I just alternate between these two emotions. I'm sad for what I've lost, all the happy memories that could have been and then I get angry when I think about how it could have been salvaged and how it wasn't all my fault yet I'm the one who ended up alone. Not really alone, I still have my true people and I love them but it's tough. I miss so many things but then I get angry for missing something that was never good to me. See. alternating emotions.
I just have to survive another 4 more weeks of this horridness. I'm looking forward to the month of June where I don't have to see anyone I don't like. I don't have to get weekly reminders that there's a whole "me against them" vibe. I can just be with the people I love. Namely, me, myself and I.
Tomorrow (not to be confused with later today) I actually am going to be in the position of having to face one of "them" and may be forced into conversation with one of them because someone out there has a cruel sense of humor. No, not fate or god or that crap. My team mate. Who knows damn well there's an issue but doesn't care about me or my feelings. Whaddabitch.
Everyone keeps telling me to be the bigger person, be professional and I want to, I really do but is it so wrong to wanna be petty and mean, even if it's just for 5 minutes. I don't get the same warm feeling from being the bigger person than when I do being petty. If they wanna hate me fine, but at least lemme give them a reason to hate me.
You can't see it but there was a long pause between typing the last paragraph and what I'm about to say. During this pause there was a great amount of deep thinking.
I think I hate them. I've never used the word hate in a long time. The last people I hated were the people who bullied me in secondary school. But I've long forgotten about them now.
But yeah, I really do hate them. One more than the others but it's hate all the same. What kinda friend claims to be your closest friend or your best friend but would never ask for your side of a bad situation? And would immediately stop talking to following said bad situation? Wouldn't at least ask if you're ok or what happened?
I tried being the bigger person and wishing that person a happy birthday but when it came to mine (and I have made extremely clear how important birthdays are to me, if you don't wish me you're dead to me more or less) there was nothing but radio silence.
The other two I can hate openly 'cos I was never that close to them and they publicly thrashed me. But you...no. You deserve the most amount of hate I can muster because people like you are the reason why trust should not be handed out like candy. You are the reason why I am never going back to being the person who's open and vocal with her feelings. Because you, you son of bitch are the worst kind of bastard a person could meet. And I will never forgive you. I may eventually move on but forgiving and forgetting is beyond my capabilities.
I've decided to bring this stupid thing back to life after abandoning it for more than a couple of months. Mostly because the therapist in me realizes I have some unresolved anger issues and I really can't keep taking it out on twitter - cos ya know no one cares.
Plus it's like 2.30 in the morning and I'm supposed to be finishing up my essay but I am more inspired to write here.
Also, I know this a public post. So anyone can come across it but I've reached the point where I don't give a shit. If I can't be honest on the internet then where is there left to be honest?
It been a tough couple of months. This semester has been really hard on me. Despite the brave face I show or the "I've soooooo moved on" attitude I carry I think I can sum up the entire semester so far with two words - sad and angry.
I swear I just alternate between these two emotions. I'm sad for what I've lost, all the happy memories that could have been and then I get angry when I think about how it could have been salvaged and how it wasn't all my fault yet I'm the one who ended up alone. Not really alone, I still have my true people and I love them but it's tough. I miss so many things but then I get angry for missing something that was never good to me. See. alternating emotions.
I just have to survive another 4 more weeks of this horridness. I'm looking forward to the month of June where I don't have to see anyone I don't like. I don't have to get weekly reminders that there's a whole "me against them" vibe. I can just be with the people I love. Namely, me, myself and I.
Tomorrow (not to be confused with later today) I actually am going to be in the position of having to face one of "them" and may be forced into conversation with one of them because someone out there has a cruel sense of humor. No, not fate or god or that crap. My team mate. Who knows damn well there's an issue but doesn't care about me or my feelings. Whaddabitch.
Everyone keeps telling me to be the bigger person, be professional and I want to, I really do but is it so wrong to wanna be petty and mean, even if it's just for 5 minutes. I don't get the same warm feeling from being the bigger person than when I do being petty. If they wanna hate me fine, but at least lemme give them a reason to hate me.
You can't see it but there was a long pause between typing the last paragraph and what I'm about to say. During this pause there was a great amount of deep thinking.
I think I hate them. I've never used the word hate in a long time. The last people I hated were the people who bullied me in secondary school. But I've long forgotten about them now.
But yeah, I really do hate them. One more than the others but it's hate all the same. What kinda friend claims to be your closest friend or your best friend but would never ask for your side of a bad situation? And would immediately stop talking to following said bad situation? Wouldn't at least ask if you're ok or what happened?
I tried being the bigger person and wishing that person a happy birthday but when it came to mine (and I have made extremely clear how important birthdays are to me, if you don't wish me you're dead to me more or less) there was nothing but radio silence.
The other two I can hate openly 'cos I was never that close to them and they publicly thrashed me. But you...no. You deserve the most amount of hate I can muster because people like you are the reason why trust should not be handed out like candy. You are the reason why I am never going back to being the person who's open and vocal with her feelings. Because you, you son of bitch are the worst kind of bastard a person could meet. And I will never forgive you. I may eventually move on but forgiving and forgetting is beyond my capabilities.
23 January, 2013
Scattered thoughts, a midnight ramble
April 10th is a date I countdown to from April 11th onwards. My birthday is something I always, always look forward too and this is the first time I'm not. I don't want it to come.
I just know the minute it hits or like the minute it's April I'll start thinking about last year and how awesome it was to celebrate it with the people I considered some of my closest friends. And now? All but 2 are still my friends. And it's not that I don't appreciate the two... It's just gonna suck knowing in the span of a year so much can change.
I told myself I'd stop dwelling on this issue. What's done is done and I can't change how other people feel. Sure they don't care. They didn't care when the "incident" happened why should they care now right? Why should I waste my precious time thinking about them and the joy they used to bring to myself and the misery they bring now? I damn well should not. I've realized that they can live without me then I can too. Or at least I need to take the steps to start doing so.
I'm not gonna try and gain pity by saying they cut me off cos it's not true. I left because I was being attacked but subtly and not so. I didn't force anyone to come and ask me what happened or to pick sides. I deserve what I get for my actions and my actions allowed me to see who my real friend was. Someone who actually asked my side of the story, who cheers me up when I'm down and who seems to be always there for me.
But I honestly would not know how to act if I end up in the same class as them. There are superbly high chances of that happening next sem. Will I be alone? There's nothing worse than being alone in a room with a group of people who used to be your friends but now ( I'm just guessing) hate your guts or a feeling close to that.
And I get that this is a public blog and that the minute my name is googled it's accessible but I don't have a flying toot who reads this.
I just know the minute it hits or like the minute it's April I'll start thinking about last year and how awesome it was to celebrate it with the people I considered some of my closest friends. And now? All but 2 are still my friends. And it's not that I don't appreciate the two... It's just gonna suck knowing in the span of a year so much can change.
I told myself I'd stop dwelling on this issue. What's done is done and I can't change how other people feel. Sure they don't care. They didn't care when the "incident" happened why should they care now right? Why should I waste my precious time thinking about them and the joy they used to bring to myself and the misery they bring now? I damn well should not. I've realized that they can live without me then I can too. Or at least I need to take the steps to start doing so.
I'm not gonna try and gain pity by saying they cut me off cos it's not true. I left because I was being attacked but subtly and not so. I didn't force anyone to come and ask me what happened or to pick sides. I deserve what I get for my actions and my actions allowed me to see who my real friend was. Someone who actually asked my side of the story, who cheers me up when I'm down and who seems to be always there for me.
But I honestly would not know how to act if I end up in the same class as them. There are superbly high chances of that happening next sem. Will I be alone? There's nothing worse than being alone in a room with a group of people who used to be your friends but now ( I'm just guessing) hate your guts or a feeling close to that.
And I get that this is a public blog and that the minute my name is googled it's accessible but I don't have a flying toot who reads this.
22 January, 2013
Hola Holidays!
School break's officially in session and I find myself wondering what the heck I'm going to do to occupy my time. It's too short a period to get a job, plus I do occasionally have to work on my thesis stuff. It's too expensive to travel anywhere except Malaysia but even I don't wanna do that 'cos... well...it's boring over there :S
I finally decided that I am going to invest in the entire Game of Thrones and series and read them all before school re-starts. I currently only own the 2nd one, A Clash of Kings but I want want want so very badly the rest. I was supposed borrow them from someone but that person fell through 'cos he kept forgetting to bring the damn books to school.
But it works out for me 'cos now I get to own the series! Goody, my mother will be happy to hear that I'm buying more books to stuff into my already full cupboards.
I finally decided that I am going to invest in the entire Game of Thrones and series and read them all before school re-starts. I currently only own the 2nd one, A Clash of Kings but I want want want so very badly the rest. I was supposed borrow them from someone but that person fell through 'cos he kept forgetting to bring the damn books to school.
But it works out for me 'cos now I get to own the series! Goody, my mother will be happy to hear that I'm buying more books to stuff into my already full cupboards.
You'll be mine soon...My precious..Oops. Wrong series. My bad!
Ok ok. I'm putting the bad jokes away.
Toodloo!
XOXO
18 January, 2013
Fun. vs. The Script
Fun. is coming to town the same month as The Script and I am hyperventilating because I absolutely love these 2 bands. I already have my front row ticket for The Script but now I need to decide if I am willing to part with another $70ish for Fun.
Hardest decision ever... I mean if it was someone like Bon Jovi coming to town there'd be no need for a decision, I'd have my ticket in hand right now. And that's how it was for The Script. The minute I knew they were coming I bought my ticket instantly.
.
.
.
.
.
.
OK. I'm not going for Fun. Nope. If I stop to think about it so long it's not worth it. Plus they are pretty auto-tuned so I really don't know what they sound like live whereas even if The Script auto-tunes it's not as much plus they actually mean a lot more to me 'cos so many of my good secondary school memories revolves around them.
MARCH 29TH. I'll be counting down.
Hardest decision ever... I mean if it was someone like Bon Jovi coming to town there'd be no need for a decision, I'd have my ticket in hand right now. And that's how it was for The Script. The minute I knew they were coming I bought my ticket instantly.
.
.
.
.
.
.
OK. I'm not going for Fun. Nope. If I stop to think about it so long it's not worth it. Plus they are pretty auto-tuned so I really don't know what they sound like live whereas even if The Script auto-tunes it's not as much plus they actually mean a lot more to me 'cos so many of my good secondary school memories revolves around them.
MARCH 29TH. I'll be counting down.
17 January, 2013
The Once & Future Blogger
Do you know what irks me now days?
Nothing. It's shocking I know. Well maybe my school's service but that's a whole other issue that irks everybody. That aside, I've been having a irk free 2013. I have no annoying people in my life, reconnected with those I treasure and I've made steps forward in building up the courage to get what I want. I'd like to say that my life is right on track and hope that saying that doesn't jinx anything.
I remember starting this blog couple of months ago when I was studying for my exams and looky here, I'm supposed to be studying for exams again. One semester has seriously gone by so fast and so many things happened that I wanna forget. Of course somethings I wanna ingrain into my memory forever like my first solo trip to Melbourne and my Wisconsin cousins coming to town.
I was talking to someone the other day about job opportunities after I graduate and (taking a line from 50 shades of grey) "my inner goddess" came out and spoke. I don't know where this confident part of me has been hiding all these years. I was like if I can't work in the psychology sector, even temporarily, screw that - I'll fall back on my diploma. It's something I know I'm good, I'm passionate about and I have an awesome resume with awesome companies to back me up.
Again I don't wanna jinx anything but I really do believe that. I've worked for 3 different government agencies and the number 1 hotel in the country. On top of that I've never been fired from a job, I only leave the jobs when I need to recommit to school. Heck yeah I'm an awesome employee.
Ok, boasting session over.
Oh oh! I caught the last, like seriously LAST, episode of Merlin. They ended the series. I'm lost. Merlin was my sole source of entertainment that fed my desire to live in medieval times. I guess now I have Game of Thrones (books not the show) but it's not the same. I fell in love with the bromance between Arthur and Merlin. And I hated Morgana so much but understood why she turned to the dark side. And Uther...oh how I adore Anthony Stewart Head (Buffy fan over here!) but how I loathed his discrimination of magic.
The last episode was perfect. SPOILER I wish we could have seen how Arthur woulda have lived on knowing Merlin had magic but I guess not. Though I kinda wish Morgana's death would have been more dramatic. The evil witch with so much of power was brought down by a blade. A blade made of dragon's breath but a blade nonetheless.
I shall stop boring people now.
Bye bye!
Nothing. It's shocking I know. Well maybe my school's service but that's a whole other issue that irks everybody. That aside, I've been having a irk free 2013. I have no annoying people in my life, reconnected with those I treasure and I've made steps forward in building up the courage to get what I want. I'd like to say that my life is right on track and hope that saying that doesn't jinx anything.
I remember starting this blog couple of months ago when I was studying for my exams and looky here, I'm supposed to be studying for exams again. One semester has seriously gone by so fast and so many things happened that I wanna forget. Of course somethings I wanna ingrain into my memory forever like my first solo trip to Melbourne and my Wisconsin cousins coming to town.
I was talking to someone the other day about job opportunities after I graduate and (taking a line from 50 shades of grey) "my inner goddess" came out and spoke. I don't know where this confident part of me has been hiding all these years. I was like if I can't work in the psychology sector, even temporarily, screw that - I'll fall back on my diploma. It's something I know I'm good, I'm passionate about and I have an awesome resume with awesome companies to back me up.
Again I don't wanna jinx anything but I really do believe that. I've worked for 3 different government agencies and the number 1 hotel in the country. On top of that I've never been fired from a job, I only leave the jobs when I need to recommit to school. Heck yeah I'm an awesome employee.
Ok, boasting session over.
Oh oh! I caught the last, like seriously LAST, episode of Merlin. They ended the series. I'm lost. Merlin was my sole source of entertainment that fed my desire to live in medieval times. I guess now I have Game of Thrones (books not the show) but it's not the same. I fell in love with the bromance between Arthur and Merlin. And I hated Morgana so much but understood why she turned to the dark side. And Uther...oh how I adore Anthony Stewart Head (Buffy fan over here!) but how I loathed his discrimination of magic.
The last episode was perfect. SPOILER I wish we could have seen how Arthur woulda have lived on knowing Merlin had magic but I guess not. Though I kinda wish Morgana's death would have been more dramatic. The evil witch with so much of power was brought down by a blade. A blade made of dragon's breath but a blade nonetheless.
I shall stop boring people now.
Bye bye!
11 January, 2013
Boo :(
It's the 12th of January 2013 and my cousins are leaving to head back to Madison, Wisconsin in approximately 17 hours. It still hasn't properly sunk in that tomorrow when I wake up they won't be here.
So I don't quite feel as sad as I think I will feel tomorrow. It's gonna suck so bad. A has become my constant companion the past 3 week. It's gonna be weird without him here. Our late night marathons and teaming up to tease people. Sigh.
This fuels my desire to go to the US once I'm done with school even more. Even if for some reason I can't go there to study just to visit or have a holiday, it'll be good enough for me.
So I don't quite feel as sad as I think I will feel tomorrow. It's gonna suck so bad. A has become my constant companion the past 3 week. It's gonna be weird without him here. Our late night marathons and teaming up to tease people. Sigh.
This fuels my desire to go to the US once I'm done with school even more. Even if for some reason I can't go there to study just to visit or have a holiday, it'll be good enough for me.
02 January, 2013
Resolutions & Some Deep Thoughts
Holy crap on a cracker, I'm blogging two days in a row!
Meh, I'm just bored. There're no blogs to read, no movies to watch...
So I was thinking of listing down some realistic resolutions that I could more or less follow through with. I suck at resolutions. In fact I think the whole world suck at them. Every year people make big claims about things they're gonna do or changes they're gonna make but fast forward 365 days and you'll see things are exactly the same.
Oh that reminds me! I saw someone name one of their resolutions as performing more acts of kindness. I had a debate with my mom about weather planning to do something kind means that kind act that they do is true kindness or artificial? I personally think it's artificial. Doing something nice or kind for someone else should be spur of the moment, with the exception of planning to go visit elderly homes or children's homes and stuff like that. No one goes "Today I will help an old man cross the road" and then stand at the sidewalk and wait for an old man who needs help to cross the road right?
[EDIT : A friend just told me true kindness is when you do a good deed without expecting anything in return so I guess planning doesn't really impact the sincerity of the act]
Anyhoo, my realistic resolutions -
1. Explore more genres of books - I have to move away from sci-fi, romance & murders. Maybe some conspiracy or biographies.
2. Save up money for another solo holiday - 2012 ignited my passion to see the world and explore it on my own
3. Keep my room relatively clean? - I did say realistic.
4. Sit for the GREs and apply to US and UK Universities
5. Learn how to paint my nails properly
6. Don't shop so much, or at least don't shop for expensive things
7. Plump up my resume with jobs and hopefully internships.
That's it! All those look relatively realistic. I hope!
Well that's all folks...for now!
Tooooooooooooodles!
Meh, I'm just bored. There're no blogs to read, no movies to watch...
So I was thinking of listing down some realistic resolutions that I could more or less follow through with. I suck at resolutions. In fact I think the whole world suck at them. Every year people make big claims about things they're gonna do or changes they're gonna make but fast forward 365 days and you'll see things are exactly the same.
Oh that reminds me! I saw someone name one of their resolutions as performing more acts of kindness. I had a debate with my mom about weather planning to do something kind means that kind act that they do is true kindness or artificial? I personally think it's artificial. Doing something nice or kind for someone else should be spur of the moment, with the exception of planning to go visit elderly homes or children's homes and stuff like that. No one goes "Today I will help an old man cross the road" and then stand at the sidewalk and wait for an old man who needs help to cross the road right?
[EDIT : A friend just told me true kindness is when you do a good deed without expecting anything in return so I guess planning doesn't really impact the sincerity of the act]
Anyhoo, my realistic resolutions -
1. Explore more genres of books - I have to move away from sci-fi, romance & murders. Maybe some conspiracy or biographies.
2. Save up money for another solo holiday - 2012 ignited my passion to see the world and explore it on my own
3. Keep my room relatively clean? - I did say realistic.
4. Sit for the GREs and apply to US and UK Universities
5. Learn how to paint my nails properly
6. Don't shop so much, or at least don't shop for expensive things
7. Plump up my resume with jobs and hopefully internships.
That's it! All those look relatively realistic. I hope!
Well that's all folks...for now!
Tooooooooooooodles!
01 January, 2013
Happy New Year.
Being the bored person that I am I usually, for lack of a better term, "stalk" people on facebook when I have nothing to do. I'd go to their pages and just stare at it for a while and then move on.
So I decided to go to someone's page today only to find out that she'd blocked me from viewing her posts and shit. And all I could think about was how ridiculous that is! I mean you don't want me to see your page - that's fine but you still wanna remain my "friend" so that you can see what I post? That's so stupid...I can't even...
Maybe a couple of months ago my immediate retaliation would have been to block her also but now, this very moment all I wanna do is laugh. Fine, she can see my page and what I post. She/They wanna talk about me, go ahead. Me? I've moved on. I have found my real friends. And I have my goals to work towards. I will not have such stupid, petty nonsense hold me back.
I've put up a list of school's on my wall in front of my desk that I have to apply to. On the top of the list is UCLA Berkley and that is THE school to get into and I will apply and I hopefully will get in. That is my priority as of 2013.
Happy New Year by the way!
Toodles!
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