Bring Me Back To Life

Ah...It's alive!

I've decided to bring this stupid thing back to life after abandoning it for more than a couple of months. Mostly because the therapist in me realizes I have some unresolved anger issues and I really can't keep taking it out on twitter - cos ya know no one cares.

Plus it's like 2.30 in the morning and I'm supposed to be finishing up my essay but I am more inspired to write here.

Also, I know this a public post. So anyone can come across it but I've reached the point where I don't give a shit. If I can't be honest on the internet then where is there left to be honest?

It been a tough couple of months. This semester has been really hard on me. Despite the brave face I show or the "I've soooooo moved on" attitude I carry I think I can sum up the entire semester so far with two words - sad and angry.

I swear I just alternate between these two emotions. I'm sad for what I've lost, all the happy memories that could have been and then I get angry when I think about how it could have been salvaged and how it wasn't all my fault yet I'm the one who ended up alone. Not really alone, I still have my true people and I love them but it's tough. I miss so many things but then I get angry for missing something that was never good to me. See. alternating emotions.

I just have to survive another 4 more weeks of this horridness. I'm looking forward to the month of June where I don't have to see anyone I don't like. I don't have to get weekly reminders that there's a whole "me against them" vibe. I can just be with the people I love. Namely, me, myself and I.

Tomorrow (not to be confused with later today) I actually am going to be in the position of having to face one of "them" and may be forced into conversation with one of them because someone out there has a cruel sense of humor. No, not fate or god or that crap. My team mate. Who knows damn well there's an issue but doesn't care about me or my feelings. Whaddabitch.

Everyone keeps telling me to be the bigger person, be professional and I want to, I really do but is it so wrong to wanna be petty and mean, even if it's just for 5 minutes. I don't get the same warm feeling from being the bigger person than when I do being petty. If they wanna hate me fine, but at least lemme give them a reason to hate me.

You can't see it but there was a long pause between typing the last paragraph and what I'm about to say. During this pause there was a great amount of deep thinking.


I think I hate them. I've never used the word hate in a long time. The last people I hated were the people who bullied me in secondary school. But I've long forgotten about them now.

But yeah, I really do hate them. One more than the others but it's hate all the same. What kinda friend claims to be your closest friend or your best friend but would never ask for your side of a bad situation? And would immediately stop talking to following said bad situation? Wouldn't at least ask if you're ok or what happened?

I tried being the bigger person and wishing that person a happy birthday but when it came to mine (and I have made extremely clear how important birthdays are to me, if you don't wish me you're dead to me more or less) there was nothing but radio silence.

The other two I can hate openly 'cos I was never that close to them and they publicly thrashed me. But you...no. You deserve the most amount of hate I can muster because people like you are the reason why trust should not be handed out like candy. You are the reason why I am never going back to being the person who's open and vocal with her feelings. Because you, you son of bitch are the worst kind of bastard a person could meet. And I will never forgive you. I may eventually move on but forgiving and forgetting is beyond my capabilities.